I'll admit it...

I'm struggling...emotionally that is. So much stuff has been going on in my life - with my friends, with my family and at work, and I pretty much broke down last night. I swear, you would have thought that I could handle "life" with all the crazy abnormal things God has thrown my way over the years. I can put on a brave face and act like it is okay in front of everyone (and sometimes not very well!), and then I go home to deal with it.....and lately just crumble to pieces. I have no idea why God made me like this -- but he did. I wish I could change it -- but I keep trying and asking God to help me and nothing seems to change and the pattern just repeats it self.

*sigh*

and the thing is -- is that if I told you everything that was going on, then you would probably be like "karen, that is ridiculous....there is no need to stress that much about the little things like this" and I TOTALLY know that. but for some reason, knowing it and changing the way it affects me are two totally different things. and I think that its all these little things that I can totally take in stride and then when you add them all up, it is just too much.

and what set me off last night to make it all crumble you ask? one of my favorite people in the whole wide world told me they were leaving...and moving back home...in a week. you wouldn't think that is a big thing, but this person is one of those people that I love spending time with - I could probably spend more time with them and never get tired of it (although, they probably wouldn't say the same thing - ha, ha), I love how they can call me out on things and for some reason, it isn't hurtful, and they have such a solid head on their shoulders, take everything in stride and can always see the good from the bad, the clarity of the situation and for some reason, can calm me down through all the crappy things that seem to happen. There is so much more, but I feel like I just lost one of my best friends. My heart just hurts. That is the only way I can describe it.

and if you know me, you know how much I LOVE my friends...I share in their love, their happiness and their pain. I love being surrounded by my friends and laughing with them, dancing with them, cooking with and eating with them, and sometimes just being in the same room doing nothing but sitting on the couch watching TV. so, losing one of those just hurts. And I know you can say - Karen, seriously? you can still be friends! but let's be honest, I am horrible at the phone and email thing....I do best when you are here with me and we can schedule time to hang out. and sadly, I feel like its the same way with this friend...they won't be good at it either.

Then there is everything else...another manager quit at work and that has caused a lot of turmoil, as well as the risk that we may lose a few others that are really good that would be almost impossible to replace, and I feel like I still don't have my feet totally under me here -- more in a "I don't know where to go to find everything" and that is frustrating. And sometimes its the simple things - I need a new binder, where the heck do i find one?!? and coming from a place where I knew everything to a place where I feel like I know nothing is just a hard transistion. and with this manager leaving and have to absorb some of her work - that just pushes me even further out of my comfort zone as I have to learn a LOT more...very quickly.

And then we could get into the boyfriend breakups, the medical issues, the friendships that are hurting, insecurities that are creeping back in and everything else that is going on...well, its a lot. And I was doing SO good with working out and eating and then in the last two weeks I have just let it all slide....and I think that is the most frustrating of it all.


So, just so you know, I dealing with it....spending a LOT of time in the word and a LOT of time on my knees talking to God about it...but i ask that you just pray for me...pray for my heart, pray for the tears to subside and pray that I learn all the lessons that God is trying to teach me through all of this.

and I'm sorry to be such a debbie downer...not my intention...but I have a hard time verbalizing it and the only way I know how is to write it...so that is what I am doing.