this morning....

ugh. that is what I should title this post. that is the way that I feel right now. I am struggling with all of this "health" stuff....the last year and a half has been just a rollercoaster for me. I don't know how else to describe it. First there was the thyroid that put me in the hospital for almost a week and that was LM and SM's first ER visit (and full flashing!) with me. Then with all the thyroid was meds, lots of blood letting, and so many ugly side effects that lasted for so long. Then we got the blood clots (thanks birth control and for me being the one in 500 that actually can't take the stupid medicine), which was LM and SM's second ER visit (and 2nd full flashing - but they knew it was coming this time!). Then all the blood letting, lots of doctors visits, and just life turned upside down - don't do this, do this, see this doctor and just being scared and nervous and not really sure what to do.

Now all of this. I swear it has come on like a freight train and I just don't know what to think or to feel. My breathing is really off...I just won't sugar coat it for you and I feel funny - I don't know how else to describe it. You won't know it from looking at me because I am really good at putting on a smile and acting like everything is okay - and inside being a nervous nelly not knowing what to think or do. Because I know if I talk about it, I will just cry and I don't want to do that. I'm tired of crying.

And so this morning's treadmill test just brought back all of this uncertainty and anxiety to the fullest proportions. I was a little worked up last night when I went to bed and I didn't sleep so well. I just didn't know what to expect and was scared. I said it. Scared. 32 year olds don't do stress tests. As evidenced by the waiting room. It was me and a bunch of 50-60-70 year old men. When I went in he did my blood pressure and pulse...and wow. It was sky high. I don't think it has been that high for a while. And when I say high - the doctor was concerned my pulse was at 85 and it was at 100. yeah. that's high. and I wasn't even on the stinking treadmill yet. The guy kept asking if I was nervous and tried to get me to calm down - but my body wasn't having any of that. And we won't even talk about how high my blood pressure was.

He finally got me all hooked up to the EKG machine (which was so funny - he had to "scrape" my skin with this rough sponge to get the sticky things to stick to my skin. so I have to pull up my shirt so he can rub all over with that thing, then wipe it off with alcohol and then put them on. And the kicker - he had to attach the paddles - no worries there, but he had to put the "belt" on to hold it on while I was on the treadmill. he literally put his arms around me - which basically put his head RIGHT in "the girls" like he was nuzzling them. Akward, but freaking funny. I was trying really hard not to laugh). and then got me on the treadmill. I will say, I have been working out and can do the elliptical for half an hour and not be totally worked up. Well, that was not the case this morning. I got on the treadmill and my heart started going crazy. And by crazy, I mean my heart rate hit 150 like it was nothing. I think I heard the guy say something like "wow". GREAT I'm thinking. He said that was really fast...saying it like that was not normal AT ALL.

And then he hit the incline up a few notches and made it go faster. I had to get my heart rate up to 188 -- which obviously if you knock it up to like an incline of 10 and make it speedwalking speed, well, we are going to hit that pretty fast. And of course, since my breathing has been sucky, I was gasping for air (like I do when I am just sitting right now - but worse) and he got a little freaked out and made me stop a little early.

Which, lets be honest, when the guy is telling you he was worried about your breathing and your heart rate and your blood pressure, there is NOT a warm and fuzzy feeling happening. So I had to lie on the table and start the "cool down" process. And of course, the man had me so worked up and I was literally about to cry, there was no calming down. My heart wouldn't go back below 100 and my blood pressure just barely went down. He made me stay in there forever because he couldn't let me go until after I was back to where I was when he started the test. I'm pretty sure my heart rate never came down below 100, and I think he finally gave up and let me go.

I can't promise I didn't start crying as soon as I hit my car and called my sister who just kept telling me it will all be okay. And I know it probably will be - but I am really afraid that there is something going on - I just don't feel right and I just don't know how to explain it. I had prayed while the guy was out of the room that God control the situation and if something needed to come to light - that it did - and that he would give my doctors the wisdom and knowledge that was needed to do what they needed to do. And if something was wrong, then for healing.

And now I am sitting in my chair, asking God for comfort and calmness. I know that everything happens because he allows it, and he won't let anything happen that is not part of his plan. But I am just struggling. I am tired, and to be honest, in my selfish mentality I have right now - I just don't want to deal with one more thing right now. So God and I are going to talk about it right now - and I just ask that you pray for the whole situation too. I need it.

And I won't have results for a week....so we'll discuss it when I get those back. And to be honest, I just can't talk about it in person right now. I just can't. not without crying and I don't want to cry. So I apologize if you try to bring it up and I change the subject. When I can talk about it, I will let you know.