coping...

I've been having a hard time coping lately....there has been a lot going on in my life....lots of decisions to make, lots of trying to figure out where I am, what I am doing, and who I am spending time with....and is it right. And there has been lots of tears. I've had my feelings hurt, I've had lots of doubts and I've been spread out on the floor crying out to God to help me. Actually, that was after I threw a temper tantrum because I was being ridiculous....I admit it. Nothing like a 33 year old woman kicking and screaming on the floor because she can't have her way.

And the whole coping thing has become my biggest problem that I am trying to deal with. I cope with food. There - I admit it. When I get stressed - I eat. When I get sad - I eat. When I get my feelings hurt - I eat. Hence, about an extra 100 lbs on my body have been gained slowly because I am trying to cope with things that have been thrown my way. I'm trying to change that...I don't want to do that anymore. It doesn't get me anywhere but about 10 minutes of feeling better, and then the guilt hits that I shouldn't have done it. and about 5 lbs I will never get off. One cookie - fine. 10 cookies - not okay.

When things get really bad, I will add alcohol to that. I am usually a social drinker - a glass of wine here and there. A beer at dinner with friends. But when you see me throwing them back...I am trying to cope with something. Trying to mask some feelings that I am holding deep inside and just want to forget about. (and no - that doesn't happen that often. So don't schedule an intervention so fast!) And I am trying to change that too.

And then when eating and drinking don't seem to work, I turn to people to make me feel better and try to console me. And the problem is, I get so used to running to others and trying to get them to help me solve my problems, I've never learned how to solve them on my own. Now, I understand that is a very general statement, and probably not totally true - but I do rely on my friends a lot. And in the past few months, I've had a lot of changes in my life with the people I hang out with. People I used to rely on for that aren't as much a part of my life anymore, and some new people have come and gone very quickly.

So when you are not allowing yourself to cope with the first two things you usually run to - food and drinking -- and the third one isn't an option for a multide of reasons -- well, it has been really hard. Hence my temper tantrum that would rival any of your three year olds on a bad day. And I've been trying to do what I should have been doing the whole time - turning to God. Telling him my problems -- TURNING them over to him and letting him take care of it. I've been praying A LOT. Constantly in some ways...when I feel those tears welling up, I have a voice in my head that is just crying out to God "PLEASE don't let me cry God. Take away this pain in my heart. Take away these feelings of inadequacy. Take away these feelings of jealousy. Please God, help me."

Learning to rely on God....and not anything tangible is SO hard. There isn't that physical touch of someone touching your shoulder saying - "It will be okay." or that person grabbing you and hugging you saying "I love you Karen -- you can get through this." I am crying out to God saying help me -- and there is no response. (Now, I know there is a response...but it is hard to hear when you aren't TRYING to hear it that hard...part of my problem! If I'd quit complaining...or crying, maybe I could hear it!)

So know that I am okay....I think some of you are worried about me....and maybe you should be -- a little bit. But know I am trying to do this the healthy way....stopping bad behaviors, enlisting the right professionals to help me do that (like my nutritionist and life coach) and spending a LOT of time talking to God. Asking him to give me that comfort and relief, having him remind me that its only HIS love that I need, and also asking him to show me (and let me trust in) the plan he has for my life. I am reminded every day that when I try to plan and follow through with my plan -- I don't end up anywhere but hurt and frustrated -- because it isn't HIS plan. And maybe thats a good thing -- since it is a reminder that I can't do it on my own and I NEED to rely on him. So I am trying to give my plan up...and roll with it. Because from what I have seen in my past -- that although we walk through the valleys (and sometimes they are ugly and filled with sadness), the mountain tops we will see on the other side are so spectacular. And I can't wait to see the view......

I quit....

I had a long conversation with a friend laying by the pool not too long ago. After tackling a bunch of topics, she looked me square in the eye and told me point blank I was doing too much and maybe I needed to sift through the things I had committed myself to and quit. And then i needed to look at who I was spending some of my time with that maybe weren't, hmmm - how do I say this? - the best people  I should be spending my time with and quit them too.

I admit, I thought she was crazy. I mean, I knew what I was doing -- I for sure wasn't doing too much. And the people I was hanging out with I LOVED hanging out with...we had FUN. Now maybe it wasn't the best type of fun, and maybe it involved way more drinking than I should have been doing or other things that maybe weren't so healthy for me....but I was having FUN.

And then last night happened. It was like a perfect storm -- and I realized I couldn't do it all. And that some people were just making me tired....tired of crying, tired of saying I was sorry, tired of feeling like I couldn't trust them...

So I quit.

I made the decision that there are some people I need to distance myself from....and I told them that. I am done -- this isn't healthy for me anymore. i am done. and then I cried. a lot.

And then I woke up this morning, cried some more,  let my trainer beat any pent up emotion out of me and sent an email requesting a leave from one of the organizations I am in. I have been so stressed out with work and life and my health (which has been compounded by the extra stress at work) and I just couldn't do it anymore.

And then I prayed. And cried...again. And prayed again.

My friend LM wrote a perfect post on her blog describing that she needed an emotional recess. I think I am right there with her. I need to quit trying to do so many things and be so many things to so many people and just take care of me for a while.

so say a little prayer for me -- for strength, quietness and the ability to say NO....to so many things and so many people. and for God to show me so many things in my life i need to see....through his eyes and not my own.

a re-post...

I'm reposting this....I was looking for something on my blog and I found this post...and it hit home. Again. I feel like I needed it today....so here it is....to share with you.

 ‎"You have to find something. Something that anchors you, something that keeps you looking forward. Even on the bad days, the days when you're tempted to look back."

So many times I have come back to write....and then I started and just stopped. I have just been overwhelmed. That's the best way that I can describe it. Overwhelmed. 

But the best thing is that I have been surrounded by some amazing people, listening to me, helping me work through things, and wiping away my tears when they come. And for that I am ever greatful. I know that I am truly blessed to be surrounded by so many amazing people in my life. SO VERY BLESSED. 

And God has been working on my heart constantly lately. He has opened my eyes to lots of things and reminded me that no matter what happens, that He will take care of me. He will love me....and His love is all that I need. Even though at times I want more...He knows what I need and will provide me with that....all according to His plan.

These past few weeks in my bible study, God has shown me so many things -- I've talked about this bible study before, its Ruth by Kelly Minter....and its amazing. Some of the main things that God showed me was this:

God controls our plans....

The Lord directs our steps...so why try to understand everything? He shows us where we need to go and makes sure we get there. (Proverbs 20:24)

We can make our own plans, but the Lord always will give us the right answer -- according to His plans. (Proverbs 16:1)

No human wisdom, or understanding or plan can stand against the Lord.

 (Proverbs 21:30-31)

Our lives are not our own, we are not able to plan our own course. (Jeremiah 10:23)

And when I read all of that, I am reminded that I am NOT in control. He is. I know what I want, and I can definitely PRAY for what I want, but God is in control. He is guiding me on His path and I need to let Him lead. If things don't happen according to my plan, well, I need to stop freaking out and let God's plan play out. Because as we've all heard before, His plan is so much better than any other plan I could even DREAM of. So trust God -- He will guide, and He will provide. Let Him.

When we are wrapped in our garments of mourning, we're unavailable for whatever else God has for us. 

I admit...I'm mourning the loss of some friendships. And it sucks. I think about them all the time, I want things to be the way they were. I want to know WHY. I cry about it...I admit it - I do.  Its upsetting to me that things aren't the way that they used to be, and I want it to be. But its not, and it wont ever be. I think about it often...and at times, it consumes me. And then I read that statement above, and I cry more....because I am so consumed in what I lost and wondering why instead of looking ahead....that I've totally taken myself out of what God is wanting to do with my life.

Kelly Minter put it so perfectly when she said this: "My simple hope is when God has held us, healed us, and lifted our heads, that we'd be ready to move forward with Him; and though our hearts may always ache, we won't stay in our mourning clothes forever."

I feel like God is asking me to throw off some of those garments -- and its not just mourning clothes, its garments that are weighing me down -- things like unforgiveness, bitterness, anger, and jealousy. I admit it - I am carrying some of that around, and its weighing me down. 

And I think that I am there -- realizing that it is time to shed those mourning clothes and move forward. Its gonna hurt, it is, but I have to move on. Things will not be what they used to be...and that's okay. God has some amazing things ahead for me and I need to lift my head and see what those are! 

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. 

Isaiah 43:18-19

I think this ties so perfectly in with the previous statement about throwing off the mourning clothes, and lifting your head up. As we focus on things in the past, it doesn't allow us to see when God is doing a new thing in our life. As it says in Ephesians 4:22-24, we need to quit thinking about the past and move forward --- trusting in God and His plans. And take the risk of being available and learning about God's plans -- instead of focusing on the bad things that have happened in our past. Because that just isn't going to get me anywhere....and I've seen that. I spend so much time focusing on the negative in the past that I can't lift my eyes up to see all the positive things in my life, and all the wonderful things that God has in my future. 

Lay down....at the feet of Jesus....and REST.

I'm not so sure I know what it means to rest. I swear - I run around with my head cut off all the time. Constantly doing this and that and trying to see and spend time with everyone. But I have to rest...and there is no better place than at the feet of Jesus. Lay everything down, and stop worrying about it and just rest. 

I think she says it best when she says this: "This place of surrender is the most freeing of places to be and the hardest to get to. Some of us have been working, toiling, and struggling -- and we've done all that we can do and now its time to cease striving and lie down at the feet of Jesus.....the earthly and eternal blessings of submission to Jesus are unparalleled. What He can do with a willing life surrendered at His feet is more than we can comprehend. I just know I don't want to miss it for whatever I'm clutching in my hands."

pictures...

My cable and internet has been out....for 2 whole weeks. there are definitely pros and cons to this. Pros - finding something other than sitting on my butt and watching TV or playing on my computer, spending more time with friends, or actually being productive when I am home! Cons - not being able to play on my computer or update my blog!!!

I had to come home to wait for the repair guy today -- I chose the 4-7 window...and used 4-6:30 as nap time, then miraculously when I woke up, the repair guy showed up. How perfect is that!!!! I got a nap and my internet and cable fixed all in the same night! WOO-hoo!!

Well, now that I can use my computer again, I thought I would upload some pictures and I realized I had a TON of pictures I don't think I uploaded...so I thought I would share some of these with you -- as they tell some stories over the last few months!

As usual, a group got together to bake easter cookies.....these were some of my favorites. They turned out so freaking well!!! Can I just say how I LOVE baking cookies and even more, being able to do it with friends!

 And Easter usually means some time in Seguin....which I love more than anything. Especially since my mom always has the yard looking so fantastic. This morning, the statue in part of her garden had the sun shining on it just perfectly. I tried to capture it -- but I don't think the picture did it justice.

 And the other thing I love about being home is my parents back porch. We love sitting out there and having dinner and hanging out. This weekend we had a scrabble tournament....which I have to say was WAY excited my dad beat my sister :) Don't think I didn't trash talk her on his behalf (because I knew I wouldn't win!!). But this night we had some special guests at dinner...can you see them on the other side of the fence?!?

 In case you can't, see this picture.....I swear there were about 30 of them, just walking in a line on the other side of the fence. It was so awesome.

And I have been doing a ton of things with work friends.....we have two boys that have moved here from Los Angeles and we have been having a lot of outings with our work friends to get everyone acquainted. We love Friday night happy hours, especially with our little friends coming to visit! We usually go early so kids / hubbies can join and we have a blast! this night I think we started at 6, and the last round of people left at 10:30. It was so much fun. Here is TL, one of the new controllers with me, and JD's son. He is SO STINKING CUTE! And he loved sitting on TL's lap....he was being bounced and when T stopped bouncing him, he would jump up and down like he was saying "COME ON T, BOUNCE ME!!!"

 And we had our annual girls weekend with some of our highs school friends. We have been getting together for 7 years now, and we LOVE getting together. We usually don't all see each other but two times a year all together - for Easter (with families) and our girls weekend. This year our friend CL sent her hubbies and kids to the lake and we took over their house in SA. We had so much fun getting to hang out and be silly. I LOVE these girls. Most of us have been friends since we have been born. And if not then, it was within like the first 5 years of life for sure!  Here is me and my twinkie!

 Here is the group -- CL, me, my sissy, GG and AN. It was fun to get to catch up with everyone and just spend some quality time together....which also of course involved good food and even better wine!

And other than that - I figured out part of my problem with my weight fluctuating....I think I have been eating WAY too much sodium. Long story short, I track all of my food on MyFitnessPal (which I love...and highly recommend!) and my nutritionist was trying to help me figure it out -- and we realized my sodium intake was out of control. And I want you to know - I am totally on an eating "routine" and eat the same things over and over again. A few things I realized:

- peanut butter has WAY more sodium than something like almond butter....enough to make me consider switching permanently!
- something you think that is healthy like smoked turkey has a TON of sodium. Almost 1/2 your daily intake....and that is BEFORE you add two pieces of bread that are also like 10% of your daily intake!
- anything you eat at a restaurant is going to be more a TON of sodium. I thought I was doing good eating a grilled chicken sandwich from Chick-Fil-A and it was 50% of my daily sodium intake.
- cottage cheese has like 25% of your daily intake...which is really high...for a snack. My nutritionist told me to stick to yogurt - it has much less sodium.

So now we are monitoring that way more closely. and hopefully that will help. What did not help was my doctors visit on Tuesday. I REALLY liked her the first time I saw her. This visit I saw her for approximately 3 minutes. And as she is running out the door, I was trying to talk to her about me not losing weight, and actually gaining weight, when I am eating about 1600-1800 calories net and working out 6 days a week. Her response, "some people just have trouble losing weight".

I want you to know it took every ounce in my body not to yell. I CAN lose weight...I've lost a LOT already. I'm about 90% sure my thyroid has something to do with it. She told me that my last blood test was really low. I'm guessing its a little low now too (hence my two hour nap and still being exhausted right now). So time will tell -- hopefully sooner than later. It gets REALLY frustrating trying SO hard and seemingly not going anywhere....except to a place where your pants are too tight....and its not because you got to eat lots of cupcakes and ice cream! So say a little prayer that we can get this under control....I'm REALLY ready to not have to blog about my thyroid anymore. I'd rather blog about all the fun I am having instead!

I didn't realize...

I didn't realize it had been so long....really long....since I had posted. I think its primarily been because its just been so stinking busy... Let me see if I can catch you up really fast:

Work...has been work. I knew taking over a new business unit was going to be work. But this is WORK. I feel like I have meetings every day from 8:30 to 5 and sometime in there I have to find time to work with my staff and get everything else done. Plus, this month I travelled to my two field locations in Liberal, Kansas and Grand Junction, Colorado. That was an experience in itself....I mean, I didn't know what a meat packing plant smelled like. Now I do!!!! I loved Colorado, but then again, who doesn't in the middle of the summer!!!

This month I was SO proud of our team -- we finished on our worst work-night at 7:45 pm. That is SUCH an improvement from  3:30 am the month before. And I hope that we can just keep making that number get earlier and earlier!

It is getting so much better -- all of our team is meshing together -- and everyone is learning how the other operates and what we need to get done. We still have a way to go - but I am so happy with how much we have been able to accomplish so far! I just can't wait to see what the rest of the year is like!

Everything else...well, its been all over the place. I look back over the past month and I am not really sure what I have done with my life. Seriously. I feel like everyone keeps asking "where have you been?" and I don't really know! I have still been working out -- but my weight is ALL OVER THE PLACE. Which of course is SUPER frustrating -- but I am learning its only a number. and to get over it. But the good thing is that it all stays within the same 10 lbs. So I guess I am okay with that. My thyroid is getting back to normal....and by normal I mean that is based on the "crying" scale. I have had a few people really piss me off and its taken a lot to make me cry - so I feel like that is progress! I will go see the Endo again next week so I am excited to see how the numbers fair when she does the blood tests again!

I do feel like there has been a lot of "Karen" time lately....thinking through things...processing things...learning a little more about myself. Maybe its been the reading I've been doing -- I've read a lot of books from Lysa TerKeurst that I absolutely love. I've already talked about Made To Crave, but I read one the other day for wives...Now, I know I am not a wife (and may God BLESS the man that ever decides to marry me...he's going to need some serious patience) but I read all of these reviews and I just felt like I needed to read it. And I LOVED IT. I told some of my married friends if they didn't buy it - I was going to mail it to them ASAP. I think everyone who deals with men should read it. It was fantastic. I'll look up the title and give you a review of it later.

But I also think its been a lot of who I've been surrounding myself with and everything that everyone else has been dealing with that has made me spend a lot of time in thought....and prayer. It makes me realize how fragile life is, and that I shouldn't get so caught up on the little things...because in the long run, its such a small thing and not worth the time spent worrying about it. I've also learned that I say I am "Fine", when in reality, I am not. I'm trying to get better at expressing my feelings -- much to some people's dismay...or alarm -- but its good for me...and hard for me all at the same time. I know most of you are saying "WHAT? you express your feelings all the time!" ...but trust me. I am very good at putting up a front if I don't want you to know how I am really feeling. I've had years of practice...but I am realizing that internalizing it isn't good. For me, for those who I am angry with. I'm getting better....slowly.

And my family...there has just been a lot going on. The biggest thing is my dad had surgery to remove his gall bladder last week. He is doing MUCH better -- but still a little sore. And my dad doesn't have a high pain tolerance....enough said. So say some prayers for him that he can get better quickly -- there is a lot on my parents plate in the future and I want them to get to enjoy all of it!

There is a lot more going on -- I'm sure I'm not saying it all -- but I have to run off to dinner with L & C - two of my favorite people I haven't seen in what feels like forever. I've missed them and can't wait to catch up! Talk to you soon!