coping...

I've been having a hard time coping lately....there has been a lot going on in my life....lots of decisions to make, lots of trying to figure out where I am, what I am doing, and who I am spending time with....and is it right. And there has been lots of tears. I've had my feelings hurt, I've had lots of doubts and I've been spread out on the floor crying out to God to help me. Actually, that was after I threw a temper tantrum because I was being ridiculous....I admit it. Nothing like a 33 year old woman kicking and screaming on the floor because she can't have her way.

And the whole coping thing has become my biggest problem that I am trying to deal with. I cope with food. There - I admit it. When I get stressed - I eat. When I get sad - I eat. When I get my feelings hurt - I eat. Hence, about an extra 100 lbs on my body have been gained slowly because I am trying to cope with things that have been thrown my way. I'm trying to change that...I don't want to do that anymore. It doesn't get me anywhere but about 10 minutes of feeling better, and then the guilt hits that I shouldn't have done it. and about 5 lbs I will never get off. One cookie - fine. 10 cookies - not okay.

When things get really bad, I will add alcohol to that. I am usually a social drinker - a glass of wine here and there. A beer at dinner with friends. But when you see me throwing them back...I am trying to cope with something. Trying to mask some feelings that I am holding deep inside and just want to forget about. (and no - that doesn't happen that often. So don't schedule an intervention so fast!) And I am trying to change that too.

And then when eating and drinking don't seem to work, I turn to people to make me feel better and try to console me. And the problem is, I get so used to running to others and trying to get them to help me solve my problems, I've never learned how to solve them on my own. Now, I understand that is a very general statement, and probably not totally true - but I do rely on my friends a lot. And in the past few months, I've had a lot of changes in my life with the people I hang out with. People I used to rely on for that aren't as much a part of my life anymore, and some new people have come and gone very quickly.

So when you are not allowing yourself to cope with the first two things you usually run to - food and drinking -- and the third one isn't an option for a multide of reasons -- well, it has been really hard. Hence my temper tantrum that would rival any of your three year olds on a bad day. And I've been trying to do what I should have been doing the whole time - turning to God. Telling him my problems -- TURNING them over to him and letting him take care of it. I've been praying A LOT. Constantly in some ways...when I feel those tears welling up, I have a voice in my head that is just crying out to God "PLEASE don't let me cry God. Take away this pain in my heart. Take away these feelings of inadequacy. Take away these feelings of jealousy. Please God, help me."

Learning to rely on God....and not anything tangible is SO hard. There isn't that physical touch of someone touching your shoulder saying - "It will be okay." or that person grabbing you and hugging you saying "I love you Karen -- you can get through this." I am crying out to God saying help me -- and there is no response. (Now, I know there is a response...but it is hard to hear when you aren't TRYING to hear it that hard...part of my problem! If I'd quit complaining...or crying, maybe I could hear it!)

So know that I am okay....I think some of you are worried about me....and maybe you should be -- a little bit. But know I am trying to do this the healthy way....stopping bad behaviors, enlisting the right professionals to help me do that (like my nutritionist and life coach) and spending a LOT of time talking to God. Asking him to give me that comfort and relief, having him remind me that its only HIS love that I need, and also asking him to show me (and let me trust in) the plan he has for my life. I am reminded every day that when I try to plan and follow through with my plan -- I don't end up anywhere but hurt and frustrated -- because it isn't HIS plan. And maybe thats a good thing -- since it is a reminder that I can't do it on my own and I NEED to rely on him. So I am trying to give my plan up...and roll with it. Because from what I have seen in my past -- that although we walk through the valleys (and sometimes they are ugly and filled with sadness), the mountain tops we will see on the other side are so spectacular. And I can't wait to see the view......