Its funny....I've been trying to think of a way to write this for a while....without giving away too many details. It's funny - there are a LOT of things that I am willing to talk about....and there are a few things that I am SO VERY private about. I think I have learned more in the last year about how private I really am - and in some ways it scares me. I internalize a lot of my feelings and I pretty much don't tell anyone about them. Its not really healthy, I know, so I'm trying to get better about telling at least SOMEONE so that they can help me work through it.
And as a friend of mine, you may think I am telling you everything, but I promise you, I'm probably not. I don't mean that in a bad way -- but its kind of a defense mechanism in some ways. And usually its things that I am ashamed of -- things that I have done that I am not proud of, things that I probably shouldn't have done. And its not really bad things (maybe that is me justifying, maybe not) - but it is things that I personally don't want people to know I do -- maybe to keep up some sort of facade that looks way better than what is really going on on the inside.
And over the past few months, a lot of things have come to light. I have realized that most everything that I tend to do that with is just plain sin. it is things that I shouldn't be doing, that probably most people (well, who aren't believers) do with no problem that I am just ashamed of -- I KNOW I shouldn't be doing it. I read the bible, I go to church, and I know these things I am doing are wrong. But somehow, I just can't stop. Some of it is gossiping....some of it is lying -- more to protect my feelings because I don't want someone to know how bad I am really hurting or that I don't want to admit I just ate 10 cookies in one sitting. Some of it is actions that I am doing that I know are wrong, but I am trying to rationalize in my head that it is right. I mean...it feels right, so its okay, right?
And more and more in the last few months I have been felt convicted.... God has lead me to things to show me that-- whether it be people and conversations, or sermons at church, or something in a book, or a biblestudy I am doing. Let me say that again -- CONVICTED.
My friend LM just posted something on her blog that I think explains what I have been dealing with PERFECTLY. Her post is called Dear Trouble. I think that she put it perfectly when she was describing trouble - and said how it makes her heart race, and is completely smitten...distracts her from reality and trouble knows the exact things to say and the right moment to say it...And you can get SO caught up it in because it feels good.
And when I look at that - I can come up with so many things that are trouble....some of them are friendships that tend to lead me deeper into sin....some are boys that do the same thing....and some of it is just my eating -- and if you have an eating problem - you know. Sometimes a chocolate cake can indeed make my heart race and I can be completely smitten - for about 30 minutes...then I am miserable and feel so guilty.
I've been thinking about this a lot - and feel like God has been leading me places to SHOW me how much this trouble really is....and how much I have been justifying it. "oh, I'll just do it just this once - it won't hurt anything."
Um, yeah. Right.
Then the next day I have feelings of shame and insecurity....and am remorseful because I KNEW better. And I did it anyway. About 50 times. And it has been hurting me.....a LOT.
And well, it has been hurting my relationship with God. Because I sinned again. And again. And again. It made me stray away from him, but thank goodness He forgives me and draws me even closer. Now I just have to learn to forgive myself and try to stay away from those situtations and to quit justifying it. And sometimes it is SO HARD.
*sigh*
But I am thankful -- that God has opened me eyes to things to show me the error of my ways. That I have a faithful and forgiving God....that even as I have continued to do things that we both know are wrong, He keeps coming back to me and bringing me back under His wing, with forgiveness and opening my eyes a little wider to the things that I have done. And showing me scripture that EXACTLY counteracts my thought process or the ideas that I had dreamt up to make it seem okay. Then he shows me things around me to remind me WHY I don't really want what I thought I wanted...and gives me about more 10 reasons why I should stop.
Right now I am working so hard to change my feelings towards some people and situations because I know they are not right. God has told me they aren't right -- has told me through prayer, through scripture, through the feelings of hurt and insecurity he has allowed to filter through His fingers -- and through some amazing friends saying "What in the hell are you doing Karen Lippe!"
And through the book by Gregg Matte that I told you about - Finding God's Will: Seek Him and Know Him, I am learning SO MANY things....and God put so many things in the first chapter that I literally had to read it about 3 times....because I couldn't believe that he would write so many things in such a few pages that spoke DIRECTLY to me.
So, that is the long and the short of it all. I will leave you with this prayer...
Dear Lord,
Thank you SO much for being such a loving and amazing God. You have opened my eyes to the error of my ways and have drawn me in even closer to show me that YOUR love is all that I really need...and that you are the FIRST person I need to turn to. You have picked me up time and time again, and each time, have wiped away my tears and have loved me even more than before. You have not held the shameful things I have done over my head, yet have forgiven me and set me back on my feet again to start again. You have shown me the path I need to take and are walking beside me to help me through all of the bumps in the road...so maybe I won't fall down again. But I know, Lord, that even if I do trip and fall, you will help me right back up again. Thank you Lord....for loving me and guiding me through all of the bad times...and for giving me all the good times too! And for giving me such an amazing family and friends - who love me even when I can be unlovable.
Thank you Lord....Thank you.
K
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