I hate having to have hard conversations...hate it. You would think that I would be okay with them because I am such an upfront person....If I don't tell you how I feel, you can see it on my face, in my posture and in the nice words that will tend to come out when I am upset. Or you see it in the tears running down my face. I just can't hide it, although I would love to be able to.
And I hate confrontation....absolutely hate it. And the worst part is, it seems like I have had more confrontation in my life in the past year than I would have ever hoped or dreamed for. Some with friends, some with family, some with work.....I mean, you don't have 16 people that work directly for you and not end up with some confrontation.
The worst thing about it is that I fret over it....I don't like to hurt people's feelings...I don't like to say "harsh" things.....I don't like to be the one to deliver the "bad news". I just don't like it. And the worst thing is that usually before I have to do it, I spend DAYS thinking it over in my head. Sometimes it tends to consume me. I will think about it on the elliptical, in the shower, getting ready, driving to work, at work, on the way home, laying in bed....its like it never ends. And most of the time it isn't thinking of how it will affect me, but how it will affect the other person. I know I will get over it, but i just don't like people being disappointed in me or angry at me. I just want everyone to like me and live in perfect harmony! But of course, I just don't get my way.
And I think I hate even more that sometime when you have to confront people, they are just silent. And don't say a word. Its not like I am looking for a fight, just an explanation, an acknowledgement, something to say you heard me, you understand what I'm saying and why I am saying it.
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