I have a lot on my mind right now...a lot. I'm trying to work on trusting God that everything is okay, but its hard. If you know me, I get worked up about things so easily...and things affect me probably more than the normal person. And throw in being a girl, and then the thyroid issue, and well, I can just become a plain disaster. And I'm pretty much there tonight.
As soon as I wrote that last post, I was walking to my car and got an email from my mom about my Grandmother. She is in a nursing home in their home town and has been there for a while....she is bed ridden, only lucid part time, and well, her quality of life just isn't that great. My mom and dad and aunt and uncle went up to see her last week. She seemed fine at the beginning of the visit, but the longer it went on the more pain she was in and the worse it got. What got me upset was when my mom said she was chanting "Lord, have Mercy and Lord, help me. Let me die! Let me die!"
I know. I know.
And the thing is this -- she has lived a wonderful life, she got to raise some fantastic children, some even better grandkids and even got to know her great grand kids. She is amazing, always has been -- she was the only grandmother I knew most of my life, and I always loved spending time with her. But I hate it that she has to live like this. I think praying to God to take her home, that she is ready is about one of the hardest things that I have ever had to pray. I know its for the best, but it stinks....I don't want to lose her. I don't. But I also don't want her to be so miserable either. So they went to the doctor this week to increase her pain meds...so now we are waiting and seeing.
And then I called my mom to talk....to see how she is doing and she tells me there is something wrong with my dad's heart. He had some tests done, most were not diagnoistic and they want to take him into the cath lab to see what is going on, but it appears that some of his heart muscles aren't working properly. They think that maybe he had a mild heart attack which damaged the muscles. And they want to go in and put a defibrilator in to help out. And my dad wants a second opinion....he doesn't want to go into surgery again. Much less twice.
And on top of all of that....I've been missing my friend... And you know when you have so many memories of a friend and you find yourself saying "He would love this" or "He was the one that made me love this band" or "I really want to tell him this...he'd love it". But you can't. Because you aren't friends anymore. And it makes me sad...so very sad. Especially as I'm sitting in a hotel room in the town where he lives....and I'd love to see him and catch up and tell him I miss him. And I can't. And that breaks my heart.
So, yeah, I'm kind of a mess. But those of you that know me, wouldn't expect anything less! My friend RH told me the other day that she has never known anyone to be more of a walking disaster than me....and at this point, I would almost tend to agree.
But I know this...I know that God won't give me anything more than I can handle. Everything that happens filters through his fingers -- he allows it to happen. And I know that even though some things happen that we don't necessairly like, they are all to prepare us for something so wonderful, and a time when we won't suffer anymore. And so I will lift my eyes up and I will trust in Him....He will get me through all of this.
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