tired

I'm just so tired....of so many things. I don't even want to get into all of the reasons I am so tired, but with being so busy at work (busier than normal almost because we are down two people right now in one of our groups, training some new people, and still working out the kinks since the other manager left.), then my thyroid being off (per me, not my doctor....but we will get to that) and just being emotional with EVERYTHING going on (even though I try hard not to be, the thyroid just makes that very difficult....I try not to cry but it just comes so easy when it is out of whack and I literally cannot control it.). And to be honest, I am just tired of doctors. In the last two weeks, I have seen a total of 4 doctors - so that is on average 8 hours waiting, 2 hours (at least) with the doctors, and then with all the tests I have had to do, well, tack on another 8 hours. And then the waiting....and trying to talk to the doctors or nurses to figure things out, and never being able to get them or get them to call you back, and its all just plain frustrating.

I did get my thyroid results back...my TSH was low (which means my thyroid is high). Just to put it in perspective, the range is from .4 to 4.5 for normal.....I am at a .05, which is about what it was when I was in the hospital about a year and a half ago. I think then it actually made it to a flat 0, and it doesn't go negative. I have talked to the nurse mutliple times and she ASSURES me that the doctor has her "own range for her patients" and I fall into that range. I think we are going to have to have another talk -- it is NOT okay. I feel funny, its hard to concentrate, you can look at me funny and I will break down in tears (and every little thing that would normally annoy me is compounded 1000000000 percent and normally I'd just be able to brush it off - but right now it makes me cry...and by cry, I mean sob). So, I will call them back and see what they can do - I am pretty sure my new favorite doctor, my cardiologist would say to knock down my meds...he made a comment yesterday that he was sure my thyroid had something to do with it.

And I went to go see the cardiologist....I like the guy. He has more initals behind his name than I thought necessary -- and I don't even know what they all are, well, besides the MD! FSCAI, FSVMB, FACP....and then the other things "clinical assistant professor, baylor college of medicine, intervention Cardiovasular Disease and Endovasular Intervention, Texas Heart Institute"...and we could go on. Anyway, I saw him yesterday for a consult and he basically just listened and started writing....and writing....and writing. And when I say writing, I mean, writing orders, and more orders, and more orders.

For the next two weeks, I will be about living at the med center doing one thing or another....here is the quick list:

• Wear a heart monitor for 24 hours (and yes, there is no showering for those 24 hours.....that should be fun!)
• Echocardiogram...again...this will be what, round 3? in a year......
• Stress Test - this time with the nuclear group - which means an IV and pushing something through my veins....that should be fun. especially since I just did one last week (without the IV, I know, but still).
• Blood work - for some cardiac panels
• See a pulmonologist - for my last lung issue and because of my nice friends - those pulmonary embolisms I had a year ago.

I feel like there could have even been more, but I am not sure....but it basically means next week I have at least three days at St Lukes tower in the med center, and then the following week is another 2 days...and then I have to go back the Wednesday before Thanksgiving to get the results. Yes, that was my choice. I decided that if I had to hear that something was wrong, I wanted to them be able to spend a couple of days with the family to "deal" with it. And yes, someone is going with me -- I won't do that alone....I haven't decided if mom is going to have to make a required visit - of course she offered, but sometimes I think having someone more "level-headed" (i.e. not family) in the room is also good - they may be able to think clearly through it.

He did say that there was some "changes from my baseline EKG" -- which I am assuming is from the stress test -- you do a baseline just laying on the bed, then you do one standing, then you do it at various times on the treadmill when they are trying to kill you. So I guess that meant there was something funky between the baseline and one of the others from that day. nothing would suprise me, I am still trying to get that memory out of my mind of that day. I tried to get him to expand, and literally, he just told me that he thought it would be better to discuss all of it AFTER I did all my other tests and that he would know more then.

So, that is all I know right now. I know at one point I said I was in a better place emotionally - well, not anymore. I am having a hard time...I REALLY think that if my thyroid wasn't running so high, I would be better...but once I start crying I can't stop - and since I can get set off by the littlest things, well, it just isn't that pretty. I'm trying - I really am...I really think that it is all driven by the unknown and just wondering what is going on, and feeling little things happening with my body that don't seem to be normal...or maybe I am just hypersensitive and just looking for things to happen and misinterpreting...who knows. I will be okay...I just need some sleep, and to have some time to actually get my life in order without running around with my head cut off with work and everything else and I will be fine. Thank goodness next week is a calmer week and I will have some "me" time...and with all my appts, I just may take off an afternoon here and there to make sure I get that me time....

I know that everything will be okay -- because if there is nothing wrong - just the thyroid, well, we can fix that. And if there is something wrong, then I know the doctors will have wisdom and will know what to do with me....and the whole time I know that God is watching over me, wrapping his arms around me and loving me....and that everything that happens is part of his plan. just keep praying....